


egg pun

by Rag



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkwardness, Bad Dirty Talk, Earth C (Homestuck), Explicit Sexual Content, Hand Jobs, Kink Exploration, M/M, Mommy Kink, Oviposition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 06:12:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13048143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rag/pseuds/Rag
Summary: dave and karkat explore the magical world of eggsthey don't do mommy kink stuff in any serious capacity in the fic but it comes up enough that i figured i'd tag it





	egg pun

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is like 90% dialogue
> 
> also cw: dave says stuff about being into bdsm stuff at some point

“Yo.”

Dave doesn’t know what he expects when he walks in the living room. Something normal, probably, like an empty living room. Maybe Karkat on the couch watching a lesser Will Smith movie. Maybe Karkat on the computer watching a lesser Will Smith movie, maybe nursing a bowl of seasoned grubs and crying while he does it.

What Dave gets is Karkat at his computer frantically zipping up his pants as the screen plays something that Dave can’t even begin to understand.

“Uh-”

“Shut up!”

The video keeps playing. A man plays with a… long, fleshy mouth-like dildo until it vomits out weird, huge, hard clear globs of… something. What.

“What the fuck-“

Karkat looks back at the screen and jumps forward. Forgot that he left it running. Apparently. He covers the screen with his hand. Red jizz smears on the screen.

“I can come back if you’re busy jacking it t-“

“Just look away!”

Dave turns around. Woah. Okay. He hears Karkat clicking his mouse frantically.

“Should I go so you can finish up? Like, we all jack it to weird shit, right, shit happens, I can come back.”

“If you think I’m still aroused right now, you’re thicker than the crust that’s congealing on your filthy socks.”

“Can I turn around?”

“Yeah. Why the fuck are you home so early?” Dave turns around and sees Karkat wiping his hands off on his pants, glaring at him.

“I’m… home when I said I would be? Why are you watching weird jack off shit in the living room?”

“Because I thought you’d be gone until 7!”

“It’s 7:15, dude.”

Karkat turns to look at the clock. Like he thought Dave was making it up.

“Time must fly when you’re watching dildos upchucking goo.”

“Shut up! You have no idea what you’re talking about! That wasn’t- it wasn’t- no! You’re wrong!”

“What was it?”

Karkat clams up. He crosses his arms and stares at Dave. “Nothing.”

“I mean, you can totally not tell me if you don’t want to, but I could like. We could do stuff with it, if you want.”

Karkat seems to consider it. Good. Dave just has to loosen that gullet with a  few more shimmering nuggets of smooth. His voice is lube and Karkat’s fetish is an ass and he’s gonna make sweet, sweet love to that ass. Open it up like a beautiful dick-vomiting blossom. He’s motivated in equal parts by wanting to learn more about his partner and the fact that he’ll be dying of curiosity until he finds out.

“It’s stupid. It’s fucking absurd and not worth bringing out of my idiot brain and into the realm of speech. We should let it go.”

“Nah, man, how stupid can it be? You know some people are into, like, fucking balloons?”

“Oh my God.”

“Oh, shit, is that it? That was a balloon thing, wasn’t it? It’s okay. Like, no shade on that, you just didn’t seem the type. So, balloon dick insertion porn?”

“Dave-“

“Like, okay, gonna level with you, that’s pretty weird-“

“It’s wasn’t fucking-“

“-but there’s probably way weirder shit out there.” Karkat stares at him, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open a little. “It’s just like, what if it pops, right? Or is that what does it for you? Like, oh shit, I’m getting static electric sparks up on my dick rubbing up a fucking storm here and I’m playing the most dangerous game here with-“

“Stop! I can’t listen to this anymore! I don’t want to fuck balloons! Why the _fuck_ would I want to fuck a fucking balloon, what even put the fucking idea in your head? Your species is defective!”

“What, you think no troll has ever wanted to fuck a balloon?”

“Yes! I do! Why the fuck- do _you_ want to fuck a balloon? That would explain why you had it on recall so fast! And you’ve _clearly_ put a lot of thought into fucking a fucking balloon. A _balloon_ , Dave?”

“Oh, don’t play it like that. I didn’t put any thought into it until I thought you might like it. See? I could get so down with balloons if that’s what got your rocks off. And balloons are totally weird. What was the video?”

Karkat stares at him.

“Do you promise not to be a fucking jackass about it?”

“I swear.”

“And you know I’m only telling you because you’re never going to stop asking about it?”

“Oh, sure. It has nothing to do with wanting me to get all up on your dick vomit fetish.”

Karkat rolls his eyes. “If this is your attempt at not being a jackass I’m fucking-“

“Fuck. No. Please, I won’t be a jackass.”

Karkat takes a deep breath. “It’s…” he stops. “Come closer, I’m not gonna shout this shit across the fucking living room.”

Dave sits on the arm of the couch, a few feet away from where Karkat set his desk up. So that they can be closer when Dave wants to play video games and Karkat wants to code or something. Karkat’s eyes burn into Dave. He looks like he could kill a man. Dave knows the expression to mean intense thought. Karkat is really intense dude.

“O…ov…ovi…” he finally says.

“Ovi?”

And he shuts down. “Shut the fuck up-”

“I, uh. It’s just that I don’t know what that is. Ovi?”

Karkat turns redder. Dude’s a fucking tomato with furious eyebrows and a bird’s nest of hair glued to the top of it. “You know what? It’s fine! I don’t give a shit. Good fucking talk.”

“What’s ovi, dude?”

“Nope!” Karkat gets up, pushes the chair into the desk.

“Dude, where are you going?”

“To hell? Right now? Wait, no, I’m already there, why the fuck did I think I could talk about this to you?”

“Come on, babe, just tell me. How weird can it be? I promise to not laugh unless it’s really, really funny.”

“You’re fucking unbelievable.”

“That was a joke, I won’t laugh, and I won’t think you’re weird.” Oh, god, that was such a dick move, fuck, can Dave ever think before he talks? Apparently not. “Shit, okay, would it help to lay one of my kinky cards on the table?”

That seems to calm Karkat down a little bit. He doesn’t sit back down, but he doesn’t storm off, either. He just waits, his hand lingering on the chair like he’s deciding whether or not to pull it out again.

“I’m listening.”

“Uh.” Dave thinks. Tries to come up with something that’s embarrassing, but not top-tier shit. Like the mommy thing. That can just… stay tucked away, forever. The, uh… Uh. Karkat looks at him expectantly as he tried to conjure up anything but the mommy kink. But, like the kinky maternal Bye-Bye Man, once it’s in his brain it’s the only thing that wants to come out. Fuck.

“Are you going to say anything? Or just sit there thinking about your weird fetishes while we stare at each other?”

“Don’t rush the magic,” Dave flubs. Fuck. Fuck. Something. Anything. Oh, he has something, thank god. He says the first non-mom thing that comes to his mind. “Sometimes I want you to gag me and hold me down when you fuck me? And tell me how bad I am. And mom shit like that.”

Karkat’s mouth drops open a little and his eyes get wide.

Oh, haha, that was kind of. A lot. Wasn’t it.

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah, so, there. Card on the table, show me yours. What’cha workin’ with, Karkat. Tell me all about the kinky world of Avi.”

“…Did you say _mom shit_?”

“What? No.” Oh, god, he did, didn’t he? “Why would I say _mom shit_? That’s not even a thing.”

“You did. You said _and mom shit like that_.” Karkat drops his voice in a weaksauce impression of Dave that Dave would have more to say about if he wasn’t talking about mom shit. In Dave’s voice, because Dave totally said _mom shit_.

“Oh? God, that’s hilarious, what the fuck is that about, right. I totally meant weird shit. Not mom shit. What the hell is mom shit? Mom shit is nothing. Weird shit like that, right, that’s what I meant. Kinky stuff. Like name-calling.”

Karkat pulls the chair out, sits back down, and gives Dave a shit-eating grin. “So what’s mom shit, Dave?”

“It’s literally nothing. It couldn’t be less of a thing if it didn’t exist, which it doesn’t.”

“Something tells me that it’s definitely something, and you’re really fucking into it. The _something_ is the fact that you can’t lie for shit.”

Dave is in hell. Maybe he can just…

“Okay, listen. Listen. Listen. Tell me about ovi first.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Karkat, come on,” he whines.

“What, is it a sexy lusus thing? How does that work?”

“I’m dying.”

“Because you’re into sexy lusi?”

“I’m dead.”

“God, that’s weird.”

“Thanks, dude.”

“Moms are female lusi, right?”

“Can we talk about literally anything else?”

“Fuck. Fuck. Okay. Sorry. I’ll back off.” Karkat looks at Dave like he’s trying to figure something out. “Was that okay? I didn’t mean to be a dick. Like, a huge dick, at least. Sorry if I fucked it up.”

Dave laughs a little. “Yeah, it’s fine, just don’t mind if I literally combust with fucking embarrassment or anything.” And he trusts Karkat. That’s the key thing here. If this happened with anyone else, well, first of all, he wouldn’t have copped to it as fast as he did, he would have fucking died on the _no I definitely didn’t say that, why the hell would you even think that, are you into mom shit dude that’s fucking weird, so totally Freudian_ , and second of all, he’d be losing his fucking mind. But with Karkat, it’s only just making him want to clip through the floor for a few hours. Because Karkat is cool. But saying that would be lame.

“Should I...” Karkat swallows. “I mean, it’s only fair, right?”

“Hell yeah it is.” Because it gets Karkat talking about his weird kinks, which is hot, and it gets them talking about literally anything else but the mom thing, which is fucking perfect and needed to happen five minutes ago.

“And I… I just, before I start-“

“Are you seriously delaying this again?”

“I just wanted to say that I’d do that for you if you wanted!”

Dave’s eyes widen. “Holy shit, what? Which one?”

“The one about being your female lusus. I’m totally capable of that, right? No, dipshit, the quadrant vacillation play.”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah. That’d be good.” Dave swallows. It’d be really good.

“Okay. Cool.” Karkat clears his throat. He looks like he’s thinking so hard his brain might overheat. He fixes his eyes on the ground. “It’s.” He stops. “You know how squawkbeasts lay eggs, right?”

Holy shit, what. “Yeah.” Dave tries to keep his voice even so Karkat will keep talking.

“It’s like that, kind of. But not,” he says. It sounds like every word is causing him physical pain. “It’s… I can’t do this.”

Dave is disappointed, but he doesn’t want to actually upset Karkat. And it seems like they’re rapidly approaching back-off-for-real territory. 

“You can tell me later. Or never. It’s cool, dude, don’t worry about it.”

“I want to tell you! I just can’t! Not like this, it’s weird. I have to shout about my fucking egg fetish across the fucking room as you sit on the couch and stare at me and it’s fucking weird. Maybe later. Fine. Fuck.” Karkat is staring at the ground and tucked so tightly in on himself that he looks like he's gonna have trouble moving later. And it’s there. They’ve fully arrived in the heart of back-off-for-real land.

“Cool, whenever, I'll be down” Dave says. “Want to hear the song that Dirk and I mixed up?”

Karkat visibly relaxes.

“Yeah. Play it."

*

It doesn’t come up again until later that night. Dave forces himself to not bring it up, and actually, after the first hour or two, it’s not that much of a battle. He’s curious, but hey, everyone has weird kinks. Whatever. They’ve got video games to play and group chats to manage.

But then they’re in bed, shooting the shit absently. Dave is spooned up behind Karkat, getting snuggly on every inch of him that he can because when they decide to actually try to sleep snuggling isn’t gonna be on the table. Gotta get the hugs in now. And Karkat is really, really cuddly. Enough that, halfway through a sleepy discussion about whether or not the finer points of Alternian comedy are accurately translated by the game, Dave is starting to wonder if he’s horny. Because Karkat is pressing back into him, like, a lot, and seems to squirm more than usual when Dave touches him or nuzzles at his neck. Sometimes it’s hard to tell, though. Sometimes he’s just really cuddly. So Dave runs his hand down Karkat’s side, and Karkat gasps. _Ah, gotcha._

“How are you feeling tonight, babe?”

“Shut up.”

So he’s horny. Oh, and Dave figures out why.

“Got a lot of pent-up fluid in there, don’t you?”

“Yeah, because you waltzed right in on me when I was three-quarters of the way through self-pailing. Like you fucking own the place. Fucking goo-sucker.”

“Like I own my own living room, the fucking gall.”

“Shut up.”

“That was the worst timing, though. That’s, like, just enough to get you all filled up, isn’t it. Bet your globes are just gonna burst if you don’t come tonight.”

Karkat moans. Holy shit. Dave slides his hand down his pants, and Karkat spreads his legs.

“Yes, god, fuck, please.”

Dave thinks back to earlier, how Karkat was so uncomfortable telling him about his weird egg thing. Probably in part because the room layout was really, really fucking awkward to have that talk in, but also probably because he thought Dave would laugh at him and call him a freak. Well, Dave can show him how much that’s not gonna happen by totally indulging his weird kink, right now.

“You thinkin’ about eggs right now?”

Karkat freezes up.

“No. I don’t think about it all the fucking time. It’s just, fucking, sometimes. When I’m alone.”

“Well, you can think about it now, if you want,” Dave says as he wraps his hand around Karkat’s bulge.

“Oh. Okay,” Karkat says breathily. “Okay.”

Hell yeah. He’s so on board with this. Dirty egg talk is fucking go. Dave is the best boyfriend.

“Get ready for the most egg-ceptional handjob you’ve ever had, babe.”

“If you make another egg pun I won’t fuck you for a week.”

Dave saw that coming. “Noted. Okay. But what if there were eggs in your bulge right now? Right? That’d be super fucking hot, right?” Would it? Dave has no idea, but it seems as right as anything else. Why not.

Karkat's body posture... isn’t the most comfortable. So Dave wraps his fist around his bulge and tugs firmly all the way up, slowly, dragging up a thick layer of lubrication that drips down his fingers. Karkat moans.

“In my _bulge_?” he asks, eventually.

Okay, gotta get clearer with it, he’s probably confused. Not enough word magic to paint the scene, not yet. “Yep. Like, here they are, right.” Dave makes a ring with his fingers around the thick base of Karkat’s bulge. God, he's so worked up from earlier, Dave can already smell the weird alien tang of his jizz. “Tucked all right up in here. And I gotta just work ‘em right out of you. Like this.” He pulls again.

“That… no, that’s not. That’s not how it works, that’s fucking gross. That would be agonizing.”

“Oh.” Yeah, it probably would be. Well, then. “Okay. Your nook, then?”

“Yes, obviously my fucking nook.”

“Shit, then. Your nook. Just fucking stuffed so full of them that your stomach looks like a sack of lemons.”

“What the fuck?”

“Like, that’s how many eggs you got in you. Or a sack of potatoes. Yeah, potatoes works better, right, because potatoes grow in the ground, just like how the eggs grow in your nook. Except they don’t get a stalk when they’re ready for the plucking. Do potatoes really have stalks, though, or is that just a video game thing? Jade would know.”

Karkat sighs. Not a sexy sigh. A _I-don’t-think-this-is-working_ sigh. Fuck. Fuck. Reroute. Yeah, talking about farming potatoes with Jade isn’t the hottest thing right now.

“Do you want to impregnate me with your eggs?” Dave speeds up his trolly handjob. Karkat’s bulge is wiggling around just a little, and seems to react to that. Okay, good.

“What?”

“Like. You shoot your alien seed all up in me, right? And then _I’ve_ got a belly full of eggs.”

“That’s weird,” Karkat says breathily. “Everything you’re saying is fucking awful.”

“And then you fuck me, right? Which is super hot. Fuckin’ me when I’m full of your fucking assburster alien eggs.”

“Dave, please-“ he sounds less desperate and more annoyed. Which isn’t how he usually sounds when he’s saying _please_ when Dave’s jacking him off.

“It’s hot, right, because your bulge is really hot, and- oh, dude, what if it touched the eggs? That’d be fucked up. Your bulge is too fucking hot, dude. You’re a hot-blooded man and it’d cook them right up.”

“Ugh!”

“We were supposed to eat them after, but no, you scrambled those sunsabitches right up in my ass.” Dave dully realizes that Karkat’s bulge is going fucking limp under his hand, so he redoubles his efforts. “Makin’ kinky ass omelets up in me. Jizz ketchup and everything. You can still eat it-“

Karkat knocks his hand away. “Stop! Stop! Going along with this was the worst fucking idea I’ve ever had!”

Oops. “Yeah, that was a lot, sorry. I had you at some point though, right? Just lost you at omelette.”

“No! It’s all useless! You have absolutely no fucking idea why it’s arousing and it’s blindingly apparent!”

Karkat isn’t wrong. He’s so incredibly not wrong. Dave has no fucking clue why oviposition is supposed to be hot. He probably should have figured that would come into how hot his dirty talk would be. He imagines Karkat trying to mommy kink him up. _Would you like your nutrient slurry? I manufactured it in my mammalian bosoms. It’s rich with vitamins and minerals you need to grow strong from your grub form. Should I pour some on your bulge?_

“Well, then, enlighten me, egg-sensei.”

“You’re awful. I despise you.”

“C’mon, though, really, tell me. I’ll shut up.”

Karkat swallows. “Trolls… have the capacity to lay eggs, right?”

“Holy shit, you do? Should I have been worrying about getting you eggnant?”

Karkat groans. “ _I_ don’t. Some trolls do. We’ve kind of evolved so that only the mother grub produces young, and we’re all kind of infertile on our own. And even if we weren’t, I probably would be, because I’m a fucking freak of nature who barely escaped culling.”

Dave rubs Karkat’s shoulder gently as his voice gets a little bitter and frantic. Karkat’s life on Alternia fucking sucked, so bad, and it sucks to hear about, and it sucks to see how much it still fucks him up. Like, how could it not? Dude spent like 15 years worrying about getting killed if he scraped his knee in front of the wrong person.

“You’re not a freak, dude.”

“That’s not up for debate. Anyways.” Karkat takes a deep breath before he continues. “It’s… there’s a lot wrapped up in it, right. The idea of having eggs. Inside. It’s really transgressive. Treasonous. To want this thing that Alternia decreed inefficient for the species. It would be a flagrant waste of time and resources if every other troll was getting ripe with eggs and having batches of grubs whenever they fucking pleased.” He takes a breath. “It’s so fucking selfish.” His voice gets a little husky as he goes on. And Dave is starting to see the appeal, in an abstract way.

“Dude. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that your egg fetish was fueled by the thrill of treason. You’re such a badass.”

“It’s not that it’s treason! Not entirely. It’s the, fucking, taboo shit. Or whatever.” Shit. Dave opened his big mouth, and Karkat is clamming up again.

“So is that why it’s so hot? Because it’s forbidden to have all these fuckin’ egg kids in you? Forbidden and so super selfish?”

“…That’s part of it. And they’re not inherently capable of becoming grubs, you have to nurture them correctly after they come out- it’s not a pregnancy thing, right, it’s not, this isn’t some weird roundabout way of talking about raising young-“

“Woah, okay. Cool. Didn’t think it was.”

“Good.”

“That’d be the most insane way of brining up kids, dude.”

“Yeah, it’d be fucking moronic, and I’d never fucking do it.”

“Tell me more, though. Sounds like you had more to say?”

“…Yeah.”

“Mm?” Dave nuzzles at the back of Karkat’s neck, and Karkat shudders. He’s probably sitting on the other part of it, mulling it over in the old noggin. Dave runs his hand down Karkat’s waist, and Karkat gasps.

“Dave…”

“Tell me.” Dave runs his fingers down Karkat’s bulge, which is undulating just slightly. Good. Having Karkat take over the reigns is exactly the way to handle this.

“It’s- it’s not like with your avian squawkbeasts. If the history tomes are to be believed, it takes days. Up to a week. And you’re just- you’re just waiting for them to come out. And… and they come out a few at a time. In batches. And. And you just have to wait for it.” Dave finds that kind of horrifying, but Karkat’s bulge is working up a boogie down there. “You’re totally fucked if you don’t have your matespirit there watching you. Because you’re so fucking helpless.” Oh, that’s it. Dave doesn’t know if it’s a troll thing or a Karkat thing, but he’s picked up that the idea of being helpless means a lot more for Karkat than it does for him. Like, just saying the word makes him shudder.

“For days? You just couldn’t do anything but wait for it for whole days?”

Karkat moans and bites his palm, and Dave feels him nod. Dave wraps his hand back around Karkat’s bulge, which whips itself around him, frantically trying to find something to fuck.

“And,” Karkat says, and holy shit there’s a whole fucking world of kinky shit wrapped up in this, isn’t there, “and when they come out… I’m a sick fuck, I know I’m a sick fuck, but- just, they’d feel so good, just working their way out, oh _fuck_ , just, the thought of them- coming out, like that, wet and filthy, and you’re exhausted and your matespirit is there-“

“Keeping you safe. So you can be helpless.”

Dave feels a gush of genetic fluid spill on his hand. Hell yeah.

“I’d keep you safe.”

“Oh, god.”

“I’d watch out for you. No one’s gonna hurt you while you’re laying your eggs.” God, this is weird to say out loud, but Karkat is so into it. He trills in that weird alien way that Dave has grown to find hot instead of freaky, because he only does it when he’s about to blow.

“You got any eggs in there for me? You gonna give ‘em up for me? I bet you’re ready, aren’t you?”

“ _Dave…_ ”

“You’ve been helpless for so long, dude. Like a fucking grub. But filled with eggs. How ironic. Like rain on your-“ Dave stops, lets that tangent die. “A bunch of little grubs-to-be in this nook of yours are making you as helpless as a wriggler.” God, Alternian language is the fucking weirdest shit. And Karkat’s bulge is thrashing in his hand. Dave picks up the pace a little bit, trying to keep up with it. “Come on, babe, let them out.”

Karkat seizes up and his genetic material seeps out of his bulge, all over the mattress. Thank god for waterproof covers. Within seconds, it’s dripping onto Dave’s legs, and Karkat is going boneless into the bed, panting.

Dave kisses the back of his neck. He’s got a solid half-chub going, and he hopes that’s just from getting Karkat off, because he doesn’t want to add eggs to his weird list of kinks. It’s weird. It’s hot that Karkat likes it that much, but, uh. No, he’s not into it. He just likes Karkat being into it. And Karkat described the kinky aspect of it really well, but that doesn’t mean Dave’s, like, _into_ it. Not like that.

“God. Fuck. That was surprisingly good.”

“You flatter me.”

Karkat turns around. “Can I get you back? I can pretend to be your maternal lusus while I handpail you.”

“Oh, please, please don’t.”

“What’s sexy about lusi to you? Do you like the breastfeeding element? Do you want to drink human milk from mammalian milk sacs? Or maybe I can sing you a respitesong about cooking loaves of wheatbread.”

“This is literally worse than my worst nightmare.”

“Is it worse than being told I should eat my alien jizz-covered omelet out of your ass?”

“Touché.”

Karkat laughs. “That said. If you want to talk about it, like, go for it, and I’ll try to understand. Because you can apparently sit through my fucking filthy treasonous egg fantasies without cracking up, so it’s only fair if I do the same for you.”

“Noted.” Will Dave ever take Karkat up on that? Almost definitely not.

Karkat pauses. “Dave?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for not being a complete nookdrip about it.”

“No problem, dude. Thanks for working with me when I was approaching the nookdrip horizon.”

“Let me know if you want to talk about your stuff too. Like. That other one. We can totally do that, right.” Dave feels himself flushing harder, and his half chub takes great interest in the idea as Karkat continues. “Like, I’d be happy to do that for you. And apparently, we can totally do stuff with the… the egg shit. So. Uh. Maybe. Talking about this kind of shit would be good in the future. Instead of just keeping it to ourselves and watching kink videos in the fucking living room like we’re fucking six sweeps old.”

The idea is kind of scary, but Karkat, once again, isn’t wrong. They both had to open up and show some weird skin for this, but the end result was fucking sweet. So maybe it would be good to just share stuff. Yeah.

“Yeah. Shit would be good.”

“Cool.”

Karkat shifts, and grimaces at the puddle of goo between his legs. And takes a long look at Dave’s dick before looking back up at him.

“We’re both fucking filthy. Shower with me.” There’s a look in his eyes that tells Dave he’s definitely gonna want to say yes to this. Karkat gets up, and he follows him.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u very much @ circumlocute for the omelet idea


End file.
